The Chimes, The Chimes

It's damn hard work trying to keep your family safe. This week has pretty much been a bust as far as productivity is concerned, unless keeping us alive is considered productive. In typical over-reacting fashion I went all out in making my home a safe compound. My son said all we need now is the moat and crocodile. I won't reveal all the purchases or details but will say one of the cheaper devices has proven to be the most effective, and most annoying, one.

I bought a driveway alert system which consists of a receiver and monitor that emits a loud bell chime whenever the receiver's beam is broken. I didn't set it up in my driveway but have it hidden strategically somewhere else. It seems it works too well -- the beam must travel pretty far -- and was even able to pick up deer who like to graze throughout the night at 3, 4 and 5:00am.

The first time it chimed out, my husband and I bolted out of bed, "It's go time!" grabbing our loaded protection and phone with 9-1- already pressed just waiting to enter the last 1. Neither of us even bothered to put pajamas on, just for this reason. The adrenaline was rushing and for a moment I wondered if I really would be able to pull a trigger on something other than a bulls eye or paper target. When the chime rang again I decided if I had to I could.

We flicked the surveillance cameras on and did a sweep. There was no one there. We still weren't stupid enough to go outside and look but felt it could have been four-legged animals instead of two setting the alarm off. Every time we'd settle back down, off it would go again. I felt like I was inside JC Penney's fitting room during a clearance sale. Even if I wanted to go back to sleep it was impossible, too much adrenaline. Watching the monitors was a little more interesting than watching "Launch My Line."

Once dawn broke my husband went outside and saw the fig tree had been eaten down. There was also deer poo nearby so I'm assuming that's who our visitor was Tuesday night. Everyone left and I decided no matter how tired I was I needed to ride the bicycle and get back on track. I was only on 15:00 when the chimes starting in again, persistent, not just once or twice, but like a stampede out of that fitting room. WTF? I ran upstairs, and turned the monitor on and saw two men standing outside my door. I ran and got my .38 which I've now taken to calling Myrtle. I stood to the side of the door and asked, "Who's there?" loudly over the chimes. A man said his name was Henry and they were Jehovah Witnesses and wanted to share the Lord with me. I quickly opened the door and let them in. Pfffft! Yeah, right! I told them I wasn't interested. They turned and left. I sat down, and tried to calm down, but was too revved up. I put Myrtle down and just stared at it. The chimes started again, I picked Myrtle back up and for a second thought about blasting the thing. I felt like Quasimodo, only I was screaming, "The chimes, the chimes" while holding my head. I shut the monitor off.

Last night I went to sleep by 8:00pm. I slept straight through to midnight, that's four hours more than I've gotten since Sunday night. After figuring out a better place to set them up the chimes didn't ring last night, but my internal chime kept waking me up every hour, listening, just listening. I think I finally fell back at four and then overslept. I had forgotten to turn the alarm clock back on. When you're overtired you forget a lot of things, like how to be happy and how to smile. This is no fucking way to live.