Evil Egg Hunt Time!

Easter Sunday...and that means it's that time of the year again when I reach back into the archives and repost an old entry entitled "Evil Egg Hunt." Enjoy.

Evil Egg Hunt

In my travels I recently picked up a couple of papier mache Easter eggs from Tuesday Morning. At the time I wasn't sure if I really liked the Victorian era eggs or not, but figured I should just buy them because if I decided later on I did like them they would probably be gone. When I got home I really couldn't find a place for them so I just put them on top of the tv center.




When the kids got home from school my daughter asked what they were and brought them down to get a closer look. When she saw them up close and personal she screamed, "What are these Easter eggs from hell?" She thought they were scary and creepy looking and told me to get rid of them as they gave her the willies.




She particularly hated this one...who she said reminded her of a deranged devil rabbit walking his sidekick familiar, chick demon spawn.




Since she kept going on and on and on about my questionable "taste", I decided I would have a little fun with her. While she was having her snack I placed the evil egg on her bed, hiding it under her covers. I'm not very good at keeping secrets when playing a practical joke so kept giggling the whole night in anticipation of her discovery.




I actually went to bed first, but before I could fall into my peaceful slumber I heard her screams echo all the way from the other side of the house. She marched into my room trying to act all upset, holding the evil egg at arm's length, but instead cracked up laughing, finally realizing what I was giggling about all night. I told her I wouldn't tease her with it anymore. As I looked at the eggs closer I realized she was right, these things could give you a nightmare. The next morning I awoke to find Mr. Evil Rabbit staring at me...





Man, she was good. And silent. I never even heard her come into my room. Again, we laughed so hard that the $1.99 I paid for each one was suddenly worth it. Naturally I couldn't let her get the best of me so I sneaked the egg into her school bag.



We both left the house at the same time, she heading into the mini van with my husband, me in the Jeep with my son. Waiting at the light, next to each other, we both were cracking up and I told her her to look in her schoolbag. She started really cracking up and told me to look in the backseat of the Jeep. Holy shit! There it was! Just sitting there, staring at me. She is damn good. The light turned green and we went our separate ways, with me practically peeing my pants. Driving my son to school he came up with a brilliant idea to notch up the competition a bit. He suggested I bring the big guns out, Pee Wee Herman.




Yes! She hates that doll more than anything, and at her request, I've had it hidden in my closet for years. What a great idea. So while she was in school I placed Pee Wee under her covers. Later when she came home she felt something under her as she plopped on her bed. She slowly pulled the covers down to see what was under there and was met with his spooky stare.




She wouldn't even touch him to remove him, so asked her brother to come and get him out of her room, who by now realized what happened and was bent over in laughter as I was. She vowed revenge. Inadvertently when she sat on Pee Wee I think she may have wounded him because when I pulled the string on his back he just garbled gibberish. I was saddened to see him lose his voice but it was my own fault for placing it where she couldn't see it.

That night my husband wasn't feeling too good, so being the compassionate wife that I am, I kicked him out of our bed and sent him downstairs to infect the spare room instead of me. Hey, if mom goes down, we all go down. When I awoke in the morning I didn't have a 200 pound man next to me but this instead...





Pee Wee with a plastic bag over his head. She suffocated Pee Wee! Check and mate for the little one, as the only thing left to put in her bed is a horse's head...

Evil Egg Hunt Repost

Yup, Easter is Sunday and that means it's that time of the year again when I reach back into the archives and repost an old entry entitled "Evil Egg Hunt." I guarantee it's not your ordinary Easter egg hunt...

Evil Egg Hunt

In my travels I recently picked up a couple of papier mache Easter eggs from Tuesday Morning. At the time I wasn't sure if I really liked the Victorian era eggs or not, but figured I should just buy them because if I decided later on I did like them they would probably be gone. When I got home I really couldn't find a place for them so I just put them on top of the tv center.




When the kids got home from school my daughter asked what they were and brought them down to get a closer look. When she saw them up close and personal she screamed, "What are these Easter eggs from hell?" She thought they were scary and creepy looking and told me to get rid of them as they gave her the willies.




She particularly hated this one...who she said reminded her of a deranged devil rabbit walking his sidekick familiar, chick demon spawn.




Since she kept going on and on and on about my questionable "taste", I decided I would have a little fun with her. While she was having her snack I placed the evil egg on her bed, hiding it under her covers. I'm not very good at keeping secrets when playing a practical joke so kept giggling the whole night in anticipation of her discovery.




I actually went to bed first, but before I could fall into my peaceful slumber I heard her screams echo all the way from the other side of the house. She marched into my room trying to act all upset, holding the evil egg at arm's length, but instead cracked up laughing, finally realizing what I was giggling about all night. I told her I wouldn't tease her with it anymore. As I looked at the eggs closer I realized she was right, these things could give you a nightmare. The next morning I awoke to find Mr. Evil Rabbit staring at me...





Man, she was good. And silent. I never even heard her come into my room. Again, we laughed so hard that the $1.99 I paid for each one was suddenly worth it. Naturally I couldn't let her get the best of me so I sneaked the egg into her school bag.



We both left the house at the same time, she heading into the mini van with my husband, me in the Jeep with my son. Waiting at the light, next to each other, we both were cracking up and I told her her to look in her schoolbag. She started really cracking up and told me to look in the backseat of the Jeep. Holy shit! There it was! Just sitting there, staring at me. She is damn good. The light turned green and we went our separate ways, with me practically peeing my pants. Driving my son to school he came up with a brilliant idea to notch up the competition a bit. He suggested I bring the big guns out, Pee Wee Herman.




Yes! She hates that doll more than anything, and at her request, I've had it hidden in my closet for years. What a great idea. So while she was in school I placed Pee Wee under her covers. Later when she came home she felt something under her as she plopped on her bed. She slowly pulled the covers down to see what was under there and was met with his spooky stare.




She wouldn't even touch him to remove him, so asked her brother to come and get him out of her room, who by now realized what happened and was bent over in laughter as I was. She vowed revenge. Inadvertently when she sat on Pee Wee I think she may have wounded him because when I pulled the string on his back he just garbled gibberish. I was saddened to see him lose his voice but it was my own fault for placing it where she couldn't see it.

That night my husband wasn't feeling too good, so being the compassionate wife that I am, I kicked him out of our bed and sent him downstairs to infect the spare room instead of me. Hey, if mom goes down, we all go down. When I awoke in the morning I didn't have a 200 pound man next to me but this instead...





Pee Wee with a plastic bag over his head. She suffocated Pee Wee! Check and mate for the little one, as the only thing left to put in her bed is a horse's head...

My Anti-Valentine Wish List

Dear Husband,

I know you find it hard to believe that when I answer, "Nothing" to your question, "What do you want for Valentine's Day?" I really mean it. I know you can be a little "thick" but it's been over twenty years and you still do not seem to get it, so once again I will spell out what not to get me...

1. A Vermont Teddy Bear - I am not two years old. If you spend $100 on this dust-catcher I will rip off its arms, legs and head and place them under the covers on your side of the bed.

2. A dozen roses - If you spend $100 buying roses that normally go for $12 I will pull off the heads and place the thorny stems under the covers on your side of the bed.

3. A box of Godiva chocolates - I am on a diet. No sugar. The end. If you buy me chocolates I will squish each one between my fingers and place them on your pillow.

4. A bottle of champagne - I cannot drink, especially on Mondays when I take my chemo pills. Seeing the sparkly bottle will depress me. If you buy me champagne I will hit you on the side of the head with the bottle.

5. A Valentine snuggy - I am not waiting for the comet to hit. If you buy me a snuggy I will put it on the floor for the dog to lie on.

6. A Valentine pajamagram with feet - I sleep in a sleeveless nightgown with the fan on even in the middle of winter. If you buy me a pajamagram I will turn the fan higher and face it towards you.

7. A skimpy nightgown - I know it doesn't bother you, but I am not the size 5 I was when we first met. It is not comfortable feeling like a sausage breaking through its casing when I try to sleep. If you buy me a small nightgown I will make you wear it.

8. Dinner out anywhere - We eat out already a couple of times a week. There is no need to subject me to a crappier menu than usual at double the prices with lousier service because the restaurant is filled to capacity. If you "surprise" me with reservations to a "fancy" restaurant I will pull out my black leather motorcycle jacket, combat boots, put on a blue wig and make a grand entrance in said restaurant.

9. Perfume - I still have four bottles of Samsara somewhere, from the last couple of holidays I told you I didn't need any more. If you buy me another bottle of perfume I will douse myself in Old Spice.

10. Jewelry - Really? Jewelry? Don't I have enough I don't wear? If you buy me any jewelry I will give it to our daughter who will promptly lose it.

11. A fancy card - If you simply must buy me a card, make sure there are scratch off lottery tickets in it. Whatever you do, do not buy me a fancy card that costs more than the one I get you from the dollar store.

Ok, that's the list. I'm sure I forgot something. If you really want to know what I "want" for Valentine's Day, besides the excuse-for-making-men-spend-money Hallmark Holiday being over, just get me what you get me every other day of the year...the gift of love and respect, and I'll do the same.

Love always,
Elena

Amazon Gets Me

Based on recent purchases, which I'm sure had nothing to do with the "Linear
Algebra" book and probably more to do with the "Abbott & Costello" collection, Amazon recommends the following for me: "The Honeymooners", "The Three Stooges" and "Tales from the Darkside." Makes you wonder what type of girl I am, huh? Not a girly girly that's fer sure. The funny thing is, unlike what Google thinks I like, Amazon happens to be right.

I worked on "Tales from the Darkside" when the series first came out in 1983. I produced all the on-air promotion spots, and at the end of each show there's an LBS Syndication logo which I animated. It sucks now, but for the time period, and lack of budget, it was cool then.

Who doesn't like the Three Stooges, besides possibly every woman alive? When my first husband went to St. Frances in Brooklyn there were movie nights which we used to attend after getting buzzed. The Three Stooges were popular amongst the fraternity crowd and very funny after drinking bash. When I channel surf and stop to watch their show fond memories return of a time when our biggest problem was how we were going to come up with a buck to get a couple of gallons of gas.

Now "The Honeymooners" is to Brooklynites what "The Andy Griffith Show" is to Roanokers. The show took place where I was born in Bensonhurst, so you could say I was born and bred on Ralph, Alice, Norton and Trixie, so naturally could quote lines from every show. In fact, I think I often insert Honeymooner lines into my everyday conversations and just now realized that maybe a lot of folks down here in the south don't know what the hell I mean and that's why I sometimes get a blank stare.

The two most famous, or most frequently used lines were said by Ralph -- "To the moon, Alice, to the moon!" and "One of these days Alice, one of these day, Pow! right in the kisser!" Even though Ralph "threatened" Alice, he never pulled through, he wasn't a wife beater and his bark was much worse than his bite. Alice didn't take Ralph seriously and neither did the audience. In fact, he was crazy about Alice, "Baby you're the greatest!" Alice usually shut him down with a look, one snide comment and the knowledge that she was always right. My favorite on the show was Ed Norton, the sewer worker. He was the perfect sidekick to Ralph, his delivery was impeccable, and man, could he move.

Remember the Hucklebuck episode when Norton tried to teach Ralph to dance? If you're from Brooklyn you do...



When I was a little kid in New York to me there were city comedies and country comedies. The one thing both had in common were opening theme songs that I couldn't get out of my head whether I watched the shows or not. I knew Andy Griffith began with a whistle but don't remember watching the show much. I watched "Leave it to Beaver" and "Father Knows Best", two country comedies to me, but not enough that I could quote any lines. As I got older I watched "Green Acres", but didn't care for it as I couldn't stand any of the characters, even Zsa Zsa, who I liked even less than that dopey pig and the opening theme song. Then there was "Petticoat Junction", which I hated, but think I remember the name Bobby Jo or Bobby Sue or Bobby Sox. I couldn't get past the opening which made me wonder if all southerners took baths in water towers. I could barely tolerate "Gomer Pyle" (too annoyingly stupid) the only saving grace was his gruff Sargent. But for some odd reason I did like "The Beverly Hillbillies." I probably had a crush on Jethro, and it just cracked me up whenever they said "seement pond." It was a good premise for a television show. One of my favorite Southern personality's on television was introduced to me during an episode of "I Love Lucy" -- Tennessee Ernie Ford. I felt sooooo bad for him, really liked his singing and picking, and his looks reminded me of my father, but believe me that's where the similarity ended.

I think it's safe to say that our early childhood television viewing habits probably shape our personalities. I've only touched on a couple of early sitcoms but I'm sure if I looked back I could think of other shows that had an effect on me...Emma Peel and Catwoman are maybe two reasons why I've always loved wearing black. Hmmmmm, I wonder if I had watched Aunt Bea more instead of Alice Kramden, if I would better understand the genteel folks of Southwest Virginia? Who knows -- maybe if I had, I would even like Paula Deen.



Look closely at the bottle, it's for Butt Massage...what the heck is that???? I don't know about Paula but when I get a butt massage I prefer oils.

And I thought Chef of the Future was funny...

Possible Facebook Groups I

I was having some fun yesterday on the ultimate time-waster Fakebook, I mean Facebook, going back and forth with a friend about a group called, "Say No to Spandex." I was actually going to start a group named something like that after almost being knocked down, again, by a biker in lycra as I walked along the greenway in Salem. When I saw there was already a group I just hopped on, even though there's no "action." While I was chatting with my FB buddy I mentioned I should start a group called, "Where I grew up if we saw a guy wearing spandex, we'd pull him off the bike and beat the crap outta him!" My FB buddy responded I'd better be careful or he might hit me with his purse. Haha! Ok, calm down, we're just joking.

Since I have a mental problem and do most of my bizarre thinking in the middle of the night when I should be sleeping, a bunch of different Facebook groups I think I'd like to see started parading past me...

"Stop being so smug...you're riding a freaking bicycle!"

"Yeah, I know I'm overweight, but I still look better than you!"

"Why are you so freaking angry?...your candidate won!"

"Raising your voice does not make you right!"

"Stop answering my questions with a question!"

"Wipe that phony smile off your face before I do!"

"You lied to me, I will never take you seriously!"

"Would you mind taking the knife outta my back without twisting it?"

"The first time I saw you I immediately disliked you, now I hate you!"

"Why can't my city have a decent daily newspaper?"

"Why do newscasters giggle? It does not make them more likable!"

"When I hear (insert a name, the first one that comes to my mind is...) Obama's voice come on tv I must change the channel!"

"You call that art? I call that crap!"

"You're a teacher? Really? A teacher?"

"You have no money to feed your kid, but enough of it to get beer, cigarettes and tattoos!"

"Now that you have tattoos on your face, neck, arms and hands, what job are you applying for?"

"Don't you think you should move out of the one-room welfare hotel before having another kid?"

"Getting a tan does not make Jersey girls prettier!"

"Speak English, I don't understand (insert whatever, I'll go with...) redneck!"

"Why do you say "bless her heart" when you don't even mean it?"

"Who the hell taught you how to drive?!"

"Merge does not mean stop!"

"Yellow does not mean stop short!"

"You're not better than anyone, so get over yourself!"

"Shoot me now...my husband has taken to wearing red suspenders!"

Those were just a couple that came to mind...I'm sure they'll be more. I hope no one gets offended but if they do here's a group for you...

"Lighten up! Not every thing's about you!"