Monday, April 24, 2017
All I can do is utter, "What a damn shame" as I watch the treatment, or lack thereof, my husband's 85 year old friend is experiencing from his family, specifically from his grown daughters, so I thought a brief letter to them was in order...
Dear southern girls, I guess your dad's no longer needed as your children are old enough now not to be babysat by him like he used to do at the drop of a dime whenever you needed him.
Dear southern girls, let me tell you he misses those grandchildren. You might know that if you bothered to call him. Oh wait, you can't call him because he has no phone. You would know that if you had tried to call him. You would know he could't afford his landline any longer at his home or his "business" so he got rid of it over six months ago.
Dear southern girls, don't you think an 85 year old man should have a phone? We did. So a couple of months ago my husband went with him to Walmart and had him get a cheap cellphone which we discovered this week he no longer has, because he couldn't afford it any more. If you would have tried to call him you would have known there was something "wrong" as the call kept going to voicemail. It took my husband one day to figure that out. Although he says he doesn't "need" one we know he does.
Dear southern girls, you know where he lives, way out in the boondocks, you know the house, the one you had him sign over to you two when he was on his deathbed a mere two years ago. The farmhouse where he has no cable television, no phone, not even Sirius radio any more that one of you were so kind to give him for a present a couple of years ago, but never continued to pay the yearly fee. You do realize if he cannot afford to pay for a phone, satellite radio is a luxury he would never pay for. So if sits dead on the counter amongst a cluttered mess you girls never helped clean.
Dear southern girls, if you ever bothered to open his refrigerator you would see there is barely any food in it, probably some apples, beans, and containers of soup and other leftovers from my kitchen that I make sure my husband gives him. I try and pack two lunches for "the boys" whenever I'm able to.
Dear southern girls, we invited him over Easter Sunday, but he didn't come. He said he didn't want to "impose." It would not have been an imposition at all. Instead, he stayed at his "business" building, down in the bottom, you know the one, the one he signed over to you two when he was on his deathbed, the one that has no phone, and no running water because he couldn't afford to keep it going. Well, he sat out in the back watching the beehives, waiting, hoping one of you girls would have come by to say hi, see what he was up to, maybe even invite him over to brunch or dinner so he could play with his grandchildren. Did I mention how much he misses his grandchildren? But no one called him, how could you? He has no phone. No one stopped by to see if he was all right. When I saw him the next day he said he didn't go anywhere, didn't hear from you. When I asked when was the last time he had, he couldn't remember. Months?
Dear southern girls, we invited him last Thanksgiving to come over. You didn't. He wouldn't. He didn't want to impose. We invited him to come over Christmas Eve. You didn't. He wouldn't. He didn't want to impose. For his birthday my husband took him to lunch. You didn't. Not a card, not even a call. Would that have been too much?
Dear southern girls, you make me sick. One of you is a nurse, the other a teacher. With the professions you chose one would think you should both know the meaning of compassion, especially towards your father. Let me tell you, for an 85 year old man, he's still got spunk, even with his colostomy bag. But there are days he doesn't look good. There are days his skin is too sallow and it worries me. He's losing too much weight. Even though every day my husband makes sure he's eating, there are some days your father should be going to the doctor, and my husband will insist he go even when he doesn't want to. It doesn't always work. Maybe if you girls took him, he'd go.
Dear southern girls, your father is not an imposition. He is a blessing. Do you know what I would give to hear my father's voice on the phone? Do you know what I would give to have my father sitting next to me at a dinner table? Do you know what I would give to have my father sitting next to me on the couch? Do you know what I would give to have my father be around his grandchildren, especially now that they've grown up? Do you know what I would give to not have lost my father at 74? I guess you don't and it's a damn shame.
Dear southern girls, I tell my husband he better make sure to get all of his wood out of your dad's "business" building because frankly, even though I've been told you know it's my husbands, I worry once your dad is gone, so will all that wood and anything else you could get your greedy mitts on to sell, because if you don't give a damn about your father while he's alive you certainly aren't going to give a damn about anyone else after he's dead.
Dear southern girls, I can't help but think that had your dad not signed over everything to you two already, he might have gotten a visit, an invitation, a call, something, anything from his "family." Maybe he doesn't have money like your mom does, but he's still your father. He's a great man.
Dear southern girls, every night when your father leaves our shop he hugs my husband and says, "Goodnight son." He is my husband's best friend and my husband is his best, and sometimes it seems, only, friend. My husband didn't know his birth dad, and didn't have a great relationship with his stepdad, and he treasures every minute with your dad. When the time comes, and your dad passes, my husband will be broken hearted and those tears coming from his eyes will be real. Will yours?
Dear southern girls, is this how daughters treat their elderly fathers in the south, discard them like a moth-worn flannel rag? Shameful. Oh year, bless your fucking hearts...
Saturday, April 22, 2017
Monday, February 6, 2017
When I was younger, much younger, single even, you know, back--way way back-- in the day, Valentine's Day was such a desperate day. It brought out the best and worst of people and businesses. It still does. All the jewelry stores, florists, and restaurants up their prices...supply and demand. Basically it means paying extra for those same shitty roses that were half-priced a month ago, or the "special" three course Valentine's meal. Nothing says I love you as being cramped in one of the extra tables they brought up from the basement, and rushed through those speedy courses, as you don't enjoy your over-priced, lousy-cooked dinner. The group-thinking then, and is still the same now, being the more someone spends on someone, the more they are in love with that person. Of course, that's if you're even "lucky" to have a special partner who will be happy to spend their hard-earned or illicit-gotten money on the likes of you.
Why, back--way way back--in the day, some boys would have the audacity to break up with their sweethearts just so they don't have to depart with cash. And there were some girls who secretly wanted to break up with their disappointing sweethearts, but would decide to give them "another chance" in the hopes that said boy would redeem himself by showering the girl with wonderful, thoughtful, loving gifts, reflecting how he always felt, but just didn't know how to express himself. I'd say those scenarios probably still happens these days. Now, please feel free to substitute girl for boy, he for she, or whatever gender or pronoun people prefer nowadays. It doesn't matter. It's still the same. One person always seems to love the other one a little bit more than they are loved.
With my vast knowledge of people's actions/personalities/dispositions, etc., observed through books, movies, and decades of personal experiences, I have to say that if one waits for their partner to "come through" on Valentine's Day, it's probably not gonna happen. If you felt that secure and loved in your relationship you wouldn't have to wait and see what that person will do. Your significant other should treat you like a queen or king throughout the year, not just one lousy day, a couple of hours to "make up" for their shitty behavior. And no, loving someone does not equate to having to spend mega dollars to prove it. The best gifts come from the heart, not the wallet.
If over the last year the following "scenarios" have been experienced, my advice would be to break up with the fucker before Valentine's Day. Now for the sake of continuity I am going to use the pronoun "she" as you, and "he" as the one you're hoping will do the "right thing."
Don't wait for Valentine's Day to break up if...
*The moment you finish ordering in a restaurant, he takes out his phone and ignores you for the rest of the meal.
*He never pays for your meal any more.
*He no longer opens, or holds doors open for you.
*He not only doesn't walk you to your door, but leaves before you even get to your door.
*He no longer holds your hand.
*He walks ahead of you, and often is looking down at his phone.
*When he's not on his phone, he makes sure to place it upside down so you cannot see the screen.
*When he kisses you hello or good-bye, it's only a peck, and if you comment on that he rolls his eyes.
*He no longer reaches for you.
*He has problems "performing" and uses the excuse the hair regeneration meds are causing the problem. Um, if he is losing his hair, and is using meds to keep the hair, the reason he's doing that is to be attractive to someone. If he already has that "someone," you, then you're not the "someone" he wants to attract.
*Even after you plead with him not to, he buys a two-seater mini sports car, that due to a severe medical condition you have and he is well aware of, makes it difficult/dangerous for you to ride in. Um, if he's thinking his new car is a chick magnet, and he already has the chick, you, then you're not the "chick" he wants to attract.
*All of his money goes into his girlie car, whether it's to repair it or to pay all the tickets he gets.
*He no longer posts pictures of you and him on social media sites.
*He worries more about how he looks in pictures than you do.
*He cannot pass a mirror without looking at it, often adjusting his hair.
*He doesn't let you run your fingers through his hair.
*He only picks the Netflix movie.
*He lies...constantly...about everything...everything...everything.
*He's always in competition with you.
*He always says his "insert whatever you both did together here, ummm, like a paint night painting," is better than yours. Even if it was, which it probably isn't, why would he feel compelled to say that?
*He gets jealous of the amount of friends, likes, and comments you receive on Facebook.
*He gets jealous of the amount of followers, likes, and comments you receive on Instagram.
*He doesn't like or comment on any of your social media posts.
*He doesn't get along with your closest friends and family.
*Your dog hates him.
*He does not support you mentally.
*He does not support your goals.
*He makes you doubt yourself.
*He turns everything around so that you are in the wrong.
*Every problem is your fault.
*He lowers your self esteem.
*He bullies you.
*He makes you cry.
*For your one-year anniversary he gives you six wilted roses and a small box of chocolates which he already opened and ate from. They are miniature Reeses peanut butter cups, which are your least favorite, and are his most favorite.
Need I go on? I think you get the point. Why prolong the agony? Why is it so many have a hard time being the one to break up when they know the other person is being totally passive-agressive and secretly wants to break up, but doesn't have the balls to actually do it? Creeps like that will wait it out, making your life miserable until you finally reach that point and say, I'm done, done, done! That's all they wanted. And then they could play the victim and say, "She broke up with me...blah, blah, blah."
Fine, you want to wait and see what happens Valentine's Day. Your digging your heels in. You put all that time into a relationship...what, how long? Months, a year, years? You want satisfaction. I say good luck to you. You're never gonna find the person you deserve if you stay with someone who doesn't deserve you...
Valentine's Day can be a blessing if you're with the one you love, and who loves you, or it can be such a curse...Here's a short story I wrote, aptly entitled The Valentine's Day Curse. Click here. It's free on Amazon. It might make you feel better. I know I did, after I wrote it.
Hey, if you have any other behaviors that should make you not wait for Valentine's Day to break up with someone, feel free to leave them in the comments...