Tan Begone

I knew I was over summer a couple of weeks ago when I could no longer stand laying on a lounge chair on my back patio, sipping a cocktail, Sirius playing in the background, reading in the blazing sun. I got bored. It was just too damn hot. I no longer cared about getting my Vitamin D daily requirement, and a tan. You could tell by looking at the white rings on my neck that mine was a natural tan, certainly not an even one, paid for and taxed at a tanning salon. The problem is...I no longer want my tan. I hate what's left of my tan. I cannot understand how those "Jersey Shore" girls looooove being tan all year round. Too much work.

My arms are still golden brown and looks like I've been working in the fields all day. My chest is still dark from the sun reflecting on it off of the many books covered in plastic I checked out of the library. Parts of my neck are still dark, except for the tree rings formed from my tilted head lost in a book. Then it gets even more freaky. My face has lost its tan which basically means the best part of summer, not wearing any face foundation, is gone. The problem is I cannot match any sort of foundation to blend in with the rest of my body. Besides, it's still too freaking hot to wear any sorta face makeup, especially with the hot flash sweats. So how do I get rid of the tan on my shoulders and neck??? Since I can't think of anyway besides taking steel wool to it, I wonder if perhaps I should be putting Dove or Jergens self tanner on my face until the rest of my body fades. When I was young I once used QT, it made me orange which would now clash with my reddish brownish hair. Someone should come up with a product called "Tan Begone" which eliminates a tan quickly and painlessly -- an anti-tanner.

It's too much work trying to look good. Who the heck has the time? I've got too much on my plate as it is. Sometimes I wonder if it would be a lot easier if I were a Muslim woman who was covered from head to toe. I wouldn't be worrying about such trivial things like an uneven tan problem. No, instead I'd probably be worrying about being stoned to death for talking to someone from the opposite sex. Of course I wouldn't want to have to wear the garb constantly, only when I felt like it. I don't think I'd want a burka though -- I'd opt for the niqab, which would cover most of my face, leaving just my eyes exposed.



The burka is too extreme, even the eyes are hidden. And my eyes still look good...no wrinkles and no crow's feet, even at my age! With just my eyes showing I wouldn't have to worry about bad hair days, scarred or blemished complexions, shaving my legs, crappy teeth, or working on and then having to lose, a tan. And if I got a big enough niqab I could even hide my weight instead of spending hours working out trying to lose it. I would save so much time not having to get ready or working out, I might actually be more productive! Too bad it's a religious thing, and not a fashion statement. I'd opt for the black one and would dress it up with jewelry...