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Thursday, February 11, 2010

My Little Boy, Always

18 years ago during a major Brooklyn snowstorm I gave birth to my firstborn, my son. On his first birthday there was another blizzard and the only people that showed up to celebrate were his grandparents. Both of them are gone now but I know they are looking down from above and are as proud of him as I am.

No matter what else I do in life, nothing will ever be as great an accomplishment, nor mean as much to me, as being a mother to him (and my daughter) has been. As someone who wasn't supposed to be able to have children, I am so thankful and humbled to have been blessed with the best son I could have ever dreamed of having. During all the years I questioned "why am I here?" the answer became clear the first time I gazed upon his face. It was never a "sacrifice" to give up the life I had and the future I "could have had." My career just shifted. And now it could begin to shift again.

Although my "job" will never be done, I feel it has come to a crossroads. It's now up to my son to continue on the straight path that I hope I've shown him. He seems to have a good head on his shoulders and I don't have need to worry, yet. I think back to where I was at 18, what I was doing, and the relationship I had with my mother. It was quite a different scenario. As soon as I graduated high school, I wanted out of there. I don't know if I've done "better" with my kids than my mother did with me but I do know we have a good, healthy relationship. My son's not looking to run away anywhere. I'll just have to wait and see if that's good or not.

For his first birthday I had created a video montage of his first year using "The Jackson Song" as the soundtrack. I have it on VHS and watching it brings tears to my eyes. I wish I could share it with you but since I can't I'll share the song instead. Happy 18th birthday'll always be my little boy. I see great things in your future...

***UPDATE*** When the 18 year old rolled out of bed around noon the first thing he said was, "I'm running down the corner to buy cigarettes, then I'm getting a tattoo and joining the service." Of course he was only kidding (I think.) He was still sleepy enough to let his sister transform him into The Unknown Birthday Boy. At least he's got a sense of humor.

"The Jackson Song" by Patti Smith

Little blue dreamer go to sleep
Let's close our eyes and call the deep
slumbering land that just begins
When day is done and little dreamers spin

First take my hand now let it go
Little blue boy you're on your own
Little blue wings as those feet fly
Little blue shoes that walk across the sky

May your path be your own
But I'm with you
And each day you'll grow
He'll be there too
And someday when you go
We'll follow you
As you go, as you go

Little blue star that offers light
Little blue bird that offers flight
Little blue path where those feet fall
Little blue dreamer won't you dream it all

And in your travels you will see
Warrior wings remember Daddy
And if a mama bird you see
Folding her wings will you remember me
As you go, as you go
As you go, as you go

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