A Girl's Gotta Cheat

Sometimes a girl's gotta cheat. No, not on her husband, but on her diet. It's hard to be loyal day after day, experiencing the same ole same ole, isn't it? No, not with the spouse, but with the diet. Who enjoys eating egg whites, or plain yogurt, or non-fat cottage cheese every day, no matter what you mix in with them, or the worst of the worst, non-fat plastic, I mean cheese? Bland, bland, bland. Yeah, okay, like some marriages could get. How bland would your marriage have to get before you cheated on your spouse? My first husband would answer five minutes, but even after being married almost two decades to husband # 3, we haven't gotten there, so don't have an answer to that question, but I do know how long I can go before I cheat on my bland diet...3 weeks!

I'd been good, I lost 11 pounds over three weeks, ten in the first ten days, but then it stopped. I still kept at it, although I wasn't as gung ho as I was when the weight was shedding so quickly. The first sign that something was changing in my attitude is when I pulled out the popcorn bag while watching "24". Even though it was 94% fat free and tasteless it was still something I would not have thought about even doing the previous two weeks. Then came eating out. It started with lunch. Surely I could have sushi. Surely I can't eat sushi without one little sake. Hey, why'd you bring me the large bottle? Bring me another. It's okay I'll ride an extra five miles on the bike. The kids looked across the table at each other. My son nodded and said, "You lasted longer than I thought you would." My daughter held up one of her hands, "Open window" and pushed the other one under it, "There's diet." Harumph! I'd show them I can get back on track. And I did. I worked out extra hard that night and no snackies. I was thrilled to see I didn't gain anything the next day. Of course I didn't lose anything either.

The next night I thought since I didn't gain anything I guess one glass of wine with dinner didn't hurt after all. The problem with one glass of wine is that it turns to two quickly. And once the wine hits so does the appetite. I found myself suddenly craving something, anything, other than the tasteless low calorie popcorn. One of those 100 calorie cookie snack bags surely wouldn't hurt. Neither would a handful of pecans, they are healthy nuts after all. A Laughing Cow wedge is only 35 calories. Boy, am I thirsty. I think I'll have just one more sip/glass of wine. I couldn't understand why I began waking up at 3 in the morning again, thirsty and having to pee. I felt tired in the morning and needed orange juice to get me going. I thought I saw the scale budge a little, upwards. That's okay I'll just ride the bike another ten miles. And I did, but slower, much slower than usual.

When the weekend arrived my husband talked me into going out for dinner, twice. On Friday it was sushi and sake again. I was so proud of myself...I didn't have any of the ice cream tempura even though the waitress brought extra spoons. Since the sake had loosened me up, I had just one little nightcap of red wine before bed while watching the Marx Brothers. C'mon it was "Duck Soup" after all. Again I found myself waking up in the middle of the night, throat dry, bladder full and unable to get back to sleep. Repeat morning OJ ritual.

Saturday night's fare was a little worse than sushi. It was my weakness, Italian food. My husband talked me into going to Mama Maria's since we hadn't been there in a while. I agreed only if we didn't order a bottle of wine. Instead I had a Bloody Mary which was a great Bloody Mary. In fact, it was so great I had to have two! I thought I would have the appetizer mussels fra diavolo as my main meal. They were so good too I just couldn't resist grabbing one piece of Italian bread to sop up the sauce. My husband just got a pizza, but it smelled so damn good I just had to have one slice...I mean two. Then Domenick did the unthinkable...he sent over a chocolate covered cannoli and a huge portion of tiramisu. "I made this special for you, notice the real cocoa on it." Last time we were there he had asked my opinion and I panned it. How could I not at least try it this time? It was magnificent. I was very proud of myself as I only ate a sliver of it and packed the rest of it up for my daughter. I did have half the cannoli with my husband but turned down the sambuca, because after all, I am on a diet.

When I awoke that Sunday morning, I wasn't surprised to see that the scale had budged...upwards...by two pounds. Needless to say I was not a happy camper, but I was very happy when I was indulging. Was it worth the two pounds? You bet it was. I enjoyed going out with my husband, eating what I wanted, drinking what I wanted and having some laughs. Isn't that what life is all about? What good is it if I keep losing weight but am miserable? My husband doesn't care, he loves me just the way I am. In fact I think he wants me fat which sorta pisses me off. I'm dieting for me, not him, so I am determined to rein myself in. I mean c'mon a girl's gotta cheat sometime and isn't it better I cheat on a diet than on a husband, or he on me? Once that door is is opened there's no turning back, and no amount of pedaling that's gonna close it. Better to gain a pound or two than lose trust and respect. Bicycle here I come...