Thursday, March 3, 2011
"I hope I die before I get old..."
Didn't happen. I'm still kicking around, but not like I used to, not like I want to. I never really thought about getting old and leaving this world until recently. Now I do, a lot. I've come to grips with my own mortality. I'm not afraid of dying. I'm afraid of how my family will function without me.
I've started schooling my husband on how to handle the books -- logging invoices, paying bills, weekly, monthly, quarterly, yearly taxes for the shop shit. Every week I add another step (I don't want to overburden him.) When he makes errors I show him how I knew there was an error "somewhere" and how I went about finding and then fixing it. It's been challenging for him not only because he's "just a mechanic" and not as detail-oriented as I am, but because my handwriting sucks so bad he could barely read it.
I've also been showing him the important house-type duties -- where I keep the unpaid bills, the order in which they're to be paid, how to balance a check book, how to call-in a prescription a couple of days before the bottle is empty, the importance of writing dates on a calendar and looking at the calendar, where I keep all the "important papers", policies, statements, etc. I've also shown both my kids as a back-up. They don't want to hear it, and pretend they don't hear me, but I know they do. I know I can count on them to help their dad when it's my time to go.
I'm not being morbid. I just don't feel like myself. Something's wrong and I don't want my family to find themselves in the same position my father found himself in after my mother passed and I found myself in after my father passed. My husband doesn't like my end-of-life lessons, but I tell him they're necessary. I'll only be able to do so much from the other side. The rest will be up to him.
My biggest worry is where he'll bury me. We want to be buried together, but he doesn't want to be buried in New York and I don't want to be buried in Virginia. I hope I made myself clear to him -- if he dares bury me in Roanoke, and not in Brooklyn, I will haunt him forever...and if he think's I'm a pain in the ass now, just wait.