Wednesday, February 9, 2011
My Anti-Valentine Wish List
I know you find it hard to believe that when I answer, "Nothing" to your question, "What do you want for Valentine's Day?" I really mean it. I know you can be a little "thick" but it's been over twenty years and you still do not seem to get it, so once again I will spell out what not to get me...
1. A Vermont Teddy Bear - I am not two years old. If you spend $100 on this dust-catcher I will rip off its arms, legs and head and place them under the covers on your side of the bed.
2. A dozen roses - If you spend $100 buying roses that normally go for $12 I will pull off the heads and place the thorny stems under the covers on your side of the bed.
3. A box of Godiva chocolates - I am on a diet. No sugar. The end. If you buy me chocolates I will squish each one between my fingers and place them on your pillow.
4. A bottle of champagne - I cannot drink, especially on Mondays when I take my chemo pills. Seeing the sparkly bottle will depress me. If you buy me champagne I will hit you on the side of the head with the bottle.
5. A Valentine snuggy - I am not waiting for the comet to hit. If you buy me a snuggy I will put it on the floor for the dog to lie on.
6. A Valentine pajamagram with feet - I sleep in a sleeveless nightgown with the fan on even in the middle of winter. If you buy me a pajamagram I will turn the fan higher and face it towards you.
7. A skimpy nightgown - I know it doesn't bother you, but I am not the size 5 I was when we first met. It is not comfortable feeling like a sausage breaking through its casing when I try to sleep. If you buy me a small nightgown I will make you wear it.
8. Dinner out anywhere - We eat out already a couple of times a week. There is no need to subject me to a crappier menu than usual at double the prices with lousier service because the restaurant is filled to capacity. If you "surprise" me with reservations to a "fancy" restaurant I will pull out my black leather motorcycle jacket, combat boots, put on a blue wig and make a grand entrance in said restaurant.
9. Perfume - I still have four bottles of Samsara somewhere, from the last couple of holidays I told you I didn't need any more. If you buy me another bottle of perfume I will douse myself in Old Spice.
10. Jewelry - Really? Jewelry? Don't I have enough I don't wear? If you buy me any jewelry I will give it to our daughter who will promptly lose it.
11. A fancy card - If you simply must buy me a card, make sure there are scratch off lottery tickets in it. Whatever you do, do not buy me a fancy card that costs more than the one I get you from the dollar store.
Ok, that's the list. I'm sure I forgot something. If you really want to know what I "want" for Valentine's Day, besides the excuse-for-making-men-spend-money Hallmark Holiday being over, just get me what you get me every other day of the year...the gift of love and respect, and I'll do the same.