My Anti-Valentine Wish List

Dear Husband,

I know you find it hard to believe that when I answer, "Nothing" to your question, "What do you want for Valentine's Day?" I really mean it. I know you can be a little "thick" but it's been over twenty years and you still do not seem to get it, so once again I will spell out what not to get me...

1. A Vermont Teddy Bear - I am not two years old. If you spend $100 on this dust-catcher I will rip off its arms, legs and head and place them under the covers on your side of the bed.

2. A dozen roses - If you spend $100 buying roses that normally go for $12 I will pull off the heads and place the thorny stems under the covers on your side of the bed.

3. A box of Godiva chocolates - I am on a diet. No sugar. The end. If you buy me chocolates I will squish each one between my fingers and place them on your pillow.

4. A bottle of champagne - I cannot drink, especially on Mondays when I take my chemo pills. Seeing the sparkly bottle will depress me. If you buy me champagne I will hit you on the side of the head with the bottle.

5. A Valentine snuggy - I am not waiting for the comet to hit. If you buy me a snuggy I will put it on the floor for the dog to lie on.

6. A Valentine pajamagram with feet - I sleep in a sleeveless nightgown with the fan on even in the middle of winter. If you buy me a pajamagram I will turn the fan higher and face it towards you.

7. A skimpy nightgown - I know it doesn't bother you, but I am not the size 5 I was when we first met. It is not comfortable feeling like a sausage breaking through its casing when I try to sleep. If you buy me a small nightgown I will make you wear it.

8. Dinner out anywhere - We eat out already a couple of times a week. There is no need to subject me to a crappier menu than usual at double the prices with lousier service because the restaurant is filled to capacity. If you "surprise" me with reservations to a "fancy" restaurant I will pull out my black leather motorcycle jacket, combat boots, put on a blue wig and make a grand entrance in said restaurant.

9. Perfume - I still have four bottles of Samsara somewhere, from the last couple of holidays I told you I didn't need any more. If you buy me another bottle of perfume I will douse myself in Old Spice.

10. Jewelry - Really? Jewelry? Don't I have enough I don't wear? If you buy me any jewelry I will give it to our daughter who will promptly lose it.

11. A fancy card - If you simply must buy me a card, make sure there are scratch off lottery tickets in it. Whatever you do, do not buy me a fancy card that costs more than the one I get you from the dollar store.

Ok, that's the list. I'm sure I forgot something. If you really want to know what I "want" for Valentine's Day, besides the excuse-for-making-men-spend-money Hallmark Holiday being over, just get me what you get me every other day of the year...the gift of love and respect, and I'll do the same.

Love always,
Elena