Fractured Facade


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Friday, September 23, 2016

Listen to Your Dead Relatives

When I was younger my mother and I did not have a good relationship. It got better once I had kids, but I still never felt as close to her as I did to my father. I pretty much never listened to anything she said as I felt she was there<...and I was...>here. If she ever said "I love you" to me I don't remember hearing it. The last time I remember saying it to her was when she was on her death bed in the delirium stage of cancer. I hoped she heard it and understood I meant it.

She's been gone 16 years, and only recently has she begun visiting me in my dreams. Over the last couple of months she's been hovering there, in the background, silently staring, and not a friendly stare. She always looks like she's angry, perhaps at me. She exudes a cold chill. She's always silent. I do all the talking, to her, and I usually, like I did in real life too many times, have a snippy attitude. "Say something, dammit!" She never does. And then a couple of weeks ago she finally did.

She looked younger and thinner than when she passed and had her dark hair of her youth. She stood apart from four female friends and relatives of mine. She looked at me with the same cold stare but this time she spoke as she pointed to the four ladies, herself, and then to me. "We are all on the same team," she said and spun her arm, with finger pointed.  My son came running from somewhere and rushed to hug her. "Grandma, it's been so long since I heard your voice," he said. She stood there looking back at me and not acknowledging him. In my dream I said to myself this is weird, she loves him, why is she acting this way? She must be trying to tell me something. Do not forget this dream. And then I awoke with a start.

My mom was happiest when she was with her grandchildren

In the morning I thought back to the four females who were in the dream and what the link between them, my mother, and myself could possibly be. And then it hit me. All of them had some form of cancer. All of them, except my mother, had beat cancer. So how does this relate to me? Well, recently I'd been having "female trouble." When I called my gynecologist the first appointment I could get was three weeks as he had just left town. By time the appointment was rolling around I felt better and my symptoms had stopped. Even though "Google" said I shouldn't, I was going to just cancel it. In fact, the morning after the dream was when I was going to, but then I thought maybe I better not. So I kept the appointment and saw the doctor two days later.

He didn't seem too concerned as I had had similar event happen four years ago and had a biopsy which came back normal. A couple of months ago I had my regular yearly exam and even though he said I didn't need to have a Pap test I insisted on one which came back normal. This time instead of going for a biopsy, which hurt like hell last time, he ordered an ultrasound which took place two weeks later. I was glad because I thought that would be less painful. After having to drink 24 ounces of water an hour before I was scheduled it was almost worse than having a biopsy. I thought my bladder would burst, and every time she pressed on my stomach I thought I was going to have an accident.

I watched the screen and remarked how it looked like doppler radar. The technician said that's exactly what it was. They've come a long way since I had one when pregnant! I asked her what she saw and she would not tell me a thing, no matter how much I pressed her to. The following Monday I got a call from my doctor. When he calls on the phone, it's never good news as I usually get the results sent to Mychart. The ultrasound came back abnormal. I needed to get a biopsy. Oh joy.

So Monday on the anniversary of my father's death, I underwent a uterine biopsy. Ouch. I kept the pain to myself. My doctor said I was "stoic" and the results would take about a week. I already "knew" what they would be, so when he called yesterday with the news I was not surprised. At the very minimum I have to have a complete hysterectomy. What comes next depends on the lymph node sampling. I'm waiting for a call from the Oncologist to set up the consult meeting. My gynecologist forwarded everything over to her. Apparently you just can't call the head of the department up and say, "I want you. C'mon let's do it, now!" So the referral is in, and I await the call.

Guess my trip to New York is on hold right now. Guess all trips are on hold right now. Thanks mom for the heads up...sorry it took you to be dead for me to finally listen to you. So I guess the morale is, listen to your body and your intuition, and if dead relatives come to you in dreams, listen to them too.

4 comments:

  1. Wow, that gave me chills, what a powerful dream and lucky for you that you had it. I will pray for you that everything works out okay...sending hugs!!

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    1. Thanks Connie...we should do dinner before I go in

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  2. I am sorry to hear of this Elena. Keep us informed so we can light candles and send good thoughts at the appropriate times.

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